Maybe I’m going about this the wrong way? Maybe I’m trying to fix something that’s broken and can’t be repaired, and I must learn to live with it, and I can’t just throw it away. Sometimes I’m so bound and determined to fix thing in my life that I miss out on the process. Perhaps this grief has to run it’s course and no matter what I do or try, nothing is going to change it? I’ve gone dam near a month with this pain and sadness and have had to keep myself medicated to help me get through my days.

This has been self-will...”I’ll fix this”, “I can make this better”, I’ll do this, that and that and that and it’ll all be better”. There’s been little room for God in all of this grief, and perhaps I’m pushing him aside in my own personal pursuit to feel better? As it’s said – Life run on self-will is hardly a success. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and getting no where. Am I hindering my success by trying to hard?

I’m a fixer and a doer, I have little patience for things that take time. I think it’s something that must run it’s course naturally and everyone is different, and I’m desperately searching for answers. My support group gives me suggestions, ones I ponder over for too long before taking some sort of action….again self-will. The pain of remaining the same has finally got me beat, now I must, once again turn to professional help; grief counselling, someone specialized in this department.

I’m always nervous and hesitant when I have to start something new with someone I don’t know. Sharing my pain and secrets, sadness and being vulnerable to a stranger. It’s dangerous handing over your heart and mind; perhaps there are no answers, only suggestions, different methods, certain coping mechanisms that I can utilize while I go through this process? I’ve never been one to be gentle with myself, I’m a hard ass and have little sympathy for myself when it comes to tears. I believe sometimes that I’m not as gentle as I could be. I’m pushing myself to be stronger, better, more resilient, I’m looking for logic where none exists.

I’m fighting a losing battle, because up to this point, no one has taught me about grief, all I know right now is that I’m in deep and close to drowning. This came on with no warning, I feel like I’ve been blind sided, and then lie to myself that I can conquer this dilemma. I have raised the white flag, I’ve proven to myself that all my efforts up to now are barely keeping my head above water. My presentation is all off, perhaps if I back off and come at this at a different angle, it’ll make more sense? I’m acting as my own worst enemy. Where is the self love, compassion, kindness, tolerance and understanding?

I can go get professional help, take suggestions, listen, have an open mind and willingness, do the work, yet I expect a lot, perhaps a miracle or two at the price I have to pay! I’m already in the trenches and this is not my first, second or even third battle. I bear uncountable scars, I’ve been wounded many times, so I don’t have time for “Fluff Talk”. I do the homework and I expect the same in return. I believe in order to heal my past I must revisit it and going back at first feels like a failure. I’ve left something undone because I didn’t want to feel, I just wanted to drink and drown my sorrows. Don’t get me wrong – I grieved in my own way at the time, I can’t go back and change what I’ve done and I have to make peace with that.

I’m different now, I’m sober, more death will come and I must find a way to deal with it without getting drunk. Perhaps this grief had triggered my depression? I’ve had the odd suicidal thought, intentions, yet that option is one that’s just not available anymore because I know where that road leads and it’ not good. This chronic pain is leading to insane thinking, so I expose myself to the elements of the outdoors, wind, cold, snow – for a short time it takes away my negative thinking. I keep to a regular routine; medication, exercise, sleep, positive thoughts seem impossible and I’m lost for positive affirmations. I feel weak and heavy all the time.

Have I somehow done this to myself? What part am I playing in all of this? I’m convinced I’ve done all the things that I know to be right, yet it still doesn’t feel enough. I feel mixed up between grief and depression and it’s overwhelming. I can only handle one problem at a time, so do I choose the grief first? Perhaps by resolving some of this grief the depression will ease? Maybe I need to make some amends to the dead? Would that give me some closure? I’m making a living amends to the people that are still a part of my life and the ones I can’t make amends to I pray for them.

I need to talk with someone who understands, who will fight by my side. Someone who has my best interests in mind, who will help me thrive going forward. Someone firm yet gentle, who will help me figure out my triggers so I can continue to live my best life regardless of all the death that will come. I’m stepping back as a leader and will take the roll of a follower, and that required immense trust, something I’ve never been comfortable with. I’ll lay my heart on the line, let go and let God and hope for the best…Here we go on another journey.

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