Life is not without its problems, to expect anything less would be delusional, no one is without problems and I am not special. I am not the only one suffering with depression, alcoholism or overwhelming anxiety. I’ve been too focused on all my problems, creating my own misery, fighting to fit a square peg into a round hole. In my frustration I’ve lost all sight of the solution, rather then simply asking God to help me, letting go and letting God is much easier said than done. My dilemma is that I have an “auto-response” to over complicate everything in my life, even down to the most simplest things. I place my focus on making my surroundings look perfect and put together in fear that if things are out of place, someone will recognize how out of place I feel inside.

I really need to work on simplifying this whole process and stop giving a fuck about everything, hence the emotional bankruptcy, get my priorities back in order and put principles before my pride and ego. What am I going to choose to give a fuck about? What is truly worth my time and effort? What am I willing to suffer for? Where does the madness end and the sanity begin? My self-pity and self-centeredness are largely getting in my way of simply living my best life.

I am all too aware of my own mortality and the suffering I’ve experienced from immeasurable loss so learning to navigate these problems with grace and humility is going to take much more work. I find once again that I have reached that jumping off point, where I must jump and trust to save my own life or die where I stand. I get stuck at the starting gate, so wrapped up in self and creating problems that don’t even exist. Mapping out potential hazards, planning ahead for some unforeseen disaster, frozen in fear…Meanwhile “Life” has left the gate and has gotten a huge head start! The gate in front of me is wide open and all I have to do is get out of my head and step into the wilderness.

Life has bombarded me with so much bullshit over the decades it difficult to decipher the truth from the false, I’m still working on finding my truth and what I’m willing to suffer for. I was raised in a family where others came before yourself – it’s what I grew up with, I witnessed my parents, my brother and grandmothers all forsake their happiness for the greater good. I’ve simply carried on a tradition that has been ingrained in my since a child. I’m not a child anymore, I am responsible for my own well being, yet the very thought of putting myself first feels selfish and super uncomfortable.

I’ve sacrificed my courage for comfort. The pain of remaining the same is information that something must change, and now I must choose courage over comfort and step past that starting line. I must close my eyes, take that leap of faith and trust that whatever is out there will catch me, despite my fears and doubts. I’ve grown cold and lonely living in my own shadow, I so desperately want to believe in myself, believe that I am worth it and enough, despite all my imperfections. Is it possible to believe in yourself when no one else does?….Fake it till you make it, you will get there!

Life waits for no one, step past the starting gate, you never know what’s around the next bend!

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