Along this infinite timeline I was created, throughout my life I’ve touched many lives, there is a memory of me in many people and I’ll continue to exist even after my passing. I do not wish to waist the remainder of my days left in self pity, dishonesty or self seeking motives, I’ve already waisted years in that condition. If choosing happiness is a choice, why then does it seem so hard? What am I so afraid of? Is it because my mind tells me I’m undeserving? Unworthy? Will I choose to disagree and choose happiness anyway?

My energy gets so depleted constantly fighting internal dialogue, if I am one being why do I feel like two separate people? My inner child is also involved, watching, learning, listening to this battle that goes on between myself and I. I want the fighting to cease, to come together for a “Parlay”. I cannot continue on like this, at the very least find some sort of middle ground! I have a frightened little girl on my hands that needs nurturing, comfort, reassurance, stability, love and much less worry. How do I parent myself, let alone her?

Why do I judge myself so harshly and value work before play? Am I still so much set in my ways, stubborn to change? What blocks me from harmony, balance, moderation, self love and enjoyment? If this medication helps with depression and anxiety, does it also hinder happiness and the “high’s” of life? Confusion, rumination, over thinking things to death, uncertainty – Paralysis through Analysis! Putting off painting; exercise, colouring, crochet, reading, having fun, simplicity, relaxation, playing and imagination…for what? Chores and housework I convince myself has to be done. The non-stop movement relieves my anxiety somewhat, yet it also adds to it.

It’s like since I quit drinking I’ve somehow forgotten to have fun. I’ve had small moments of happiness, very short lived, followed by sadness, guilt, blame, and depression. Chores and errands, working my program, managing my mental health, faith, trust and honesty is work. Journaling is work, marriage is work, surviving is work, working with doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists, it all feels overwhelming at times. Maybe the question to ask is…”What if I gave up control, and practiced more fun”? Actually define what “Fun” means to me and do more of what makes me happy.

My greatest curse is living in my head too much, getting into action and being of service gets me out of my head. Perhaps playing in my back yard with my dogs or going for a walk in the woods, visiting the beach just down the road, call a friend or build a fire, pick up a paintbrush, plant a seed – put these things on my “To-Do” list! Of all the things you were meant to do suffering isn’t one of them, unfortunately it has been. Just like happiness is a choice, so is suffering, it’s just a matter of which one you choose.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ve grown accustomed to the suffering, up to now that’s all I’ve known. How to survive, fight-flee-freeze like a possum, waiting for the danger to pass. The booze abolished my inhibitions, in my drunken state I had little cares and less fears, I no longer have that liquid to alleviate my fears and anxiety. What I have now is a belief in the not yet seen and faith that God will help relieve me of the bondage of self. I’ve seen and felt the miracles he can perform, the more I let go of, the more I receive, the more I receive the more I believe.

The illusion that time is mine is deceiving, I wave around this wand of patience, like some sort of magic stick, hoping all my problems will somehow magically disappear. Patience with others is applied much more easily then with myself. The tools and coping skills I’ve acquired up to now has got me this far, they all have a very unique purpose and have served me well. As I take stock and inventory I pray God will remove from me what’s no longer serving me – in his time, not mine.

As I trudge this road of recovery I’ve come upon a desert, and have been surprised as to what I’ve found so far, the nothingness I saw at the beginning – barren, dry, hot, desolate…has reviled secrets the further I venture. Sceptical of the mirage in the distance, I travelled towards it…elated to find it was the real deal, hidden within that barren land were happy memories, laughter, family, a warm embrace, confidence and joy. Only lasting a few short days the experience was uplifting and energizing, yet I must move on into the hot hills to find what lies ahead.

I’ve travelled a few days now and have come to rest in the shadow of a large stone. Nothing changes if nothing changes, this is where the majority of my work must be applied. From this moment on I’m searching for excavating tools that will break through bedrock, to uncover and destroy false beliefs that are hidden deep within me, that tell me I’m unworthy. A sharp knife to cut the anchor of guilt, shame, blame and judgement, a key to unlock the freedom, joy, happiness, peace and serenity that is somewhere within me.

Gods grace has carried you through the seemingly impossible, your heavenly father will never let you down. You have a strength within in you most rarely process, your weakness and vulnerability is a strength, don’t discount that. Be the person YOU want to be, keep waving your wand of patience and practice, it is truly a virtue. Be gracious to yourself, forgiveness will come, courage will grow, search the universe for good and great things will come your way,

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