How long have I had this mental Illness and how long has it gone untreated? When did it start and why has it happened to me? I have a disease that’s out to kill me and there is no cure, yet it can be managed through medication and daily work. I have finally come to accept both my mental Illness and my alcoholism. I’m still having a very difficult time accepting the fact that I alone cannot cure what’s wrong with my brain — it’s clearly obvious I do need medication. I’ve attempted many times to stop, with drastic and devastating results. So head strong and independent, I feel like I can do this fight alone and I can’t. I always learn the hard way. This secret of decreasing my medication without the advice of my psychiatrist, doctors and my support group, has led me to a place of embarrassment, despair and deep regret. Fortunately I have a very supportive group of people that teach me through their experience, strength and hope, as well as a program for living that helps me deal with life and its problems.
During this last week, I’ve taken accountability and told everyone my mistake, and now I’m telling you. I’m going through another transition period, a learning lesson, one to definitely remember. I’ve felt like a complete idiot for doing this to myself, especially when I was feeling so well. In an effort to get to my destination more quickly, I overlooked some vital steps. The key point is, there is no destination. This is a continued journey, it’s not an all-or-nothing attitude which I sometimes get myself into. This lesson can be one of the most important ones, if you’re willing to learn. Some of the greatest mistakes lead to the greatest change.
I’m slowly making my way out of a hole I’ve fallen into, I clearly see where I went wrong. Life run on self-will is hardly a success. Thinking I knew what was best for me, thinking I could run my own show, impatience and intolerance deceived me once again. When I start thinking I don’t need help anymore, that’s the sign I need it the most! When I start believing my own lies, I’m headed for the greatest danger.
This too shall pass, and when it does, I’ll come out of this with more maturity, understanding, clarity and acceptance. If I’m to endure this journey of sobriety along with maintaining my mental Illness, I must come to accept this situation. For this is what I’ve been given, and it doesn’t make me less of a person — rather, it can teach me more about the person I am. I will not attempt to do life on my own anymore, I will reach out for help, regardless of how silly I feel.
It was asked of me in the beginning, if I would be willing to go to any lengths. I am willing to work closer with the doctors when it comes to managing my medication. I’m willing to treat myself better from now on. I’m more willing to question my own motives. My path is hard enough, so why make it harder, when help is available. I am not willing to put myself through this again.
Speak your truth and whatever you do, don’t allow shame or guilt back into your life. You’re going to make mistakes, that’s all about living. Your tools are there for a reason — use them and be more aware of the warning signs next time. Just for today, treat yourself with care and compassion, be a friend to yourself, smile, live in gratitude and let God guide your way.