Having had a restless, irritable feeling most of my life — always the feeling as though I was missing out on something, desperately seeking some sort of excitement, an element of danger perhaps — I was determined my life would not be full of boredom. Creating chaos if need be sometimes, I never actually wanted to sleep, in fear I might miss out on something. No mundane life for me, thank you very much. Routine was much to blasé. How much my life and ideas have changed from those days! So opposite, so different, even I question myself most days as to who this new person is within me.
She looks different, she’s much more aware, so much more content than she was not that long ago. More confident and in control of her surroundings and herself as opposed to the irritable, restless and discontented, agitated, fearful girl she once was. Caged and wild. Perhaps the nurturing love and understanding that has been bestowed upon her… perhaps the wilderness has been tamed? Perhaps the wilderness has finally been overcome with the desire to belong, be truly and freely loved. Mistrust, fear, confusion and doubt kept her entrapped by her mind and beliefs.
My mind creates a miraculous time machine, so I can see/observe from a distance how sad and tragic that life was for her. Who she was, how she was and how incredibly far she has come, how she has developed and become, and achieved against all odds. It should invoke more pride than it does, but it doesn’t. Why? Foolishness, ego, self-pity, sadness perhaps. Pride is a very strange thing; too much is extremely dangerous, too little is harmful. One must be proud of oneself for good reason, not foolish action. It’s detrimental for progress.
It is truly an amazing world we live in, spinning around at a mind blowing pace, yet time is so subjective. Sometimes it seems to stop or crawl along at a snails pace, other times it flashes by so fast days are lost in the process. 44 years – I’m now in a place of much more clarity, but who knows how much time I have left? Every morning I wake with a grateful heart that I have one more day to explore this new life I’ve been given, only in a fantasy, the development process has only just begun.
Fears are slowly being replaced with a daily practice of faith; unwavering beliefs in the not-yet-seen are replacing doubt. The practice of patience is building trust. Reflection and prayer set a foundation of acceptance and understanding. My mind will never be quite right, the damage has been done. The past cannot be changed, although repairs can be made with willingness. Love can conquer anything, with the right attitude and an open mind.
The belief that change is impossible has been shattered. I believe change cannot be done completely on self-will alone — it takes an army of like-minded people that are also making positive change for the better to set the example that anything is possible. It cannot be, nor has to be done alone. With my broken mind I will endeavor to persevere, and I will continue to seek the necessary change, no matter how hard.
Re-wiring my brain will take up the better part of my life. It will take ongoing courage, discipline and dedication. Do not relinquish your power to anyone or anything going forward, for you will need it all and more for uncharted exploration. Set your intentions and stick to them as though your life depends upon it. For today’s challenge will be to enjoy each moment as it comes — no judgement, no speculation or anticipation. Ask God for an intuitive thought or decision, relax and take it easy, find some pride for yourself, build yourself up, be a friend to yourself, be wise, be happy, be at peace.
Take a trip in your time machine, and look back at all you have achieved. You’ll be surprised what you will find.