The excitement of getting my journal entries out to the world is pretty high on the scale, and I hope it continues on that way! Finally sharing my journey, I wonder if anyone will read them or if they will be in a book someday? My personal struggles are not all happy, joyous and free, yet there are still so many stories of adventure to tell. I guess I’m opening myself up to vulnerability first, speaking my truth about the real struggles of life, shit people are rarely willing to talk about. Maybe no one wants to hear about my recent journey, sobriety, alcoholism, suicide and difficult moments. Maybe people would rather read about excitement, adventure, something entertaining, full of funny moments?

That’s the problem with society, no one wants to talk about the crap we hold inside. Just put on a smile and say…”I’m doing fine, no really I am.” One of the most common questions asked is always, “how are you?” and how do you, or I, usually respond? “Doing great, thanks for asking.” I don’t believe everyone is doing as fine as we think, especially with all the crap going on in the world right now. We can’t avoid the fact that we’re all looking for a little belonging, and that’s what I’m trying to do here.

I’ve had an amazing life so far. Flying as a commercial pilot for 15 years in northern Canada. I have dozens of adventurous stories. Flying all kinds of interesting people around the arctic, in and out of diamond mines, ferrying around a group of nuns, transporting millions of dollars worth of diamond, and one very interesting story of how I had a narwhale tusk on board.

I paid a huge price to wedge myself into an “old boy’s club.” Way up north, women pilots were not easily accepted, yet I found a way and did it anyway, despite being told I’d never make it. I fought my way through discrimination, adversity, skepticism, doubt and endless abuse, to do what I loved the most. Behind all those fantastic stories is a lot of pain and uncomfortable shit to talk about, but also a lot of discoveries and strength. I’m going to write about it all — the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I want to talk about what’s behind the smile, stuff people need to talk about. Like an iceberg, there is more than meets the eye, and the much bigger piece is always under the surface. Negative thoughts: old agreements, suffering, secrets, sadness, loneliness. We’re all so good at hiding that stuff, yet it leads to isolation and separation and what we all need most of all is a sense of belonging and fellowship. I want to open your eyes to the much bigger picture, to see that in reality, we are more similar than you think.

I had some great times, tears of laughter till my guts hurt. I’ve stretched my smile so wide my face was sore. I’ve sang like no one was listening, danced like no one was watching and loved like I’ve never been hurt. I’ve also cried rivers of tears in heartache, felt immeasurable pain and suffering, as well as indescribable loneliness. It took a really long time just to be able to finally talk about all of this, and even longer to find the courage to share what I have written.

I hope by sharing my journey, my most difficult moments, that it might give you a bit of courage to say…”You know what, I’m not doing so good, I’m having a really hard time right now,” and that’s ok. If we never experience the bad, there would never be any good. It’s really hard to see any good, when you feel like you’re going through hell. So getting some support and understanding can really help change your perspective, and sometimes that’s all we really need.