Reflecting this morning on choosing Serenity over Fear. In the past I had little to no understanding of such things or even what they were, except for loneliness and fear. 8 years, 2 months, 1 week and 2 days sober today, immensely hard work, perseverance, dedication and determination, I’ve gained so much more knowledge and wisdom.

Repeating old destructive behaviours, hurting myself, blaming myself and others, searching for anything to numb the excruciating pain I felt within – no hope, no tools, living a constant lie and holding onto the secrets that keep me sick. Locked within a prison in my mind as the insanity festered and spread rapidly, taking over my heart and soul, haunted with constant thoughts of suicide, I needed a quick and easy way to stop the unending pain… Looking back it’s ridiculous to see how I spent over 30 years slowly poisoning myself with alcohol. Some divine intervention kept me alive throughout those decades of suffering and turmoil.

Throughout the years of working through past traumas, unlearning old destructive attitudes and behaviours, false beliefs and lies, it’s as though I’ve been set free from a secret life of solitary confinement. Being granted the gift of true desperation, I’m now able to explore the true meaning of my purpose, and how am I going to choose to live out the remainder of my days I have left on this blue planet.

I’m still learning to walk on my own two feet again, one foot in front of the other, no crutch or cane or excuses. My greatest obstacles are not the vast mountains or deep valleys ahead of me, as I once believed they were, I can glance back and see how far I’ve come. Those wind swept peaks, dark and forbidding valleys – how the impossible has now become possible, I find it absolutely mind boggling that I’ve made it this far!!

I’ve come to understand that even though I have an arsenal of tools and coping mechanisms that I’ve acquired over the past 8 years, the tools themselves don’ do the work unless I use them. Each one has a specific task and role to assist me through the struggles and challenges ahead. As I look deeper into my morals and values, this self searching will sustain me and remind me of why I’m doing all of this in the first place.

Don’t Think, Just Do is my new acquired tool. Old habits die hard and I have a tendency to overthink EVERYTHING, even basic simple tasks…”Paralysis through Analysis” gets the best of me the majority of the time, causing set backs, frustration and self pity. My goal and greatest desire is to find unconditional self love, to be at peace with myself and others. To be able to sustain a place of serenity, tranquility and clarity, to never forget the past, yet become a better person because of it.

Remember…Don’t Think, Just Do – Love you my friends